


What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

by agentsimmons



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Bruce Banner, BAMF JARVIS, BAMF Tony Stark, Crack, Fluff and Crack, How Do I Tag, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mpreg, Not Really Mpreg, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Science Boyfriends, Science Idiots more like it, Sneaky Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Sorry Not Sorry, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Election Made Me Do It, Tongue-in-cheek, Troll Bruce Banner, Troll Tony Stark, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 02:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8560921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentsimmons/pseuds/agentsimmons
Summary: Everybody's getting damn tired of Tony's pranks.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agentsimmons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentsimmons/gifts).



> This is pure crack that I wrote the night of the American election while watching the results trickle in and I gradually realized, yeah, I'd much rather just _not_ you know? I'd much rather just not with everything. So, yeah, I just cracked it all the way up and forced a smile instead. (And yes I did gift this to myself.)

Bruce was in his personal lab, engrossed by his ongoing study of some samples they'd collected from the aliens they'd battled about five weeks before. He moved his head up from his microscope and went to make a note only to find his pen out of ink. He sighed and scanned around for another. Not finding one he turned to look for one on another workbench. Getting up and taking a few steps across the room he startled to a stop. On the other side of the glass door to his lab, standing in the foyer between it and the elevator and stairs, were his teammates and Pepper. The only person missing was Tony and given the foreboding body language Bruce had a fairly good hunch that the engineer was the reason for the mob.

"Uh, JARVIS," Bruce said, although he really didn't want to, "let them in." The door opened automatically and they all moved into lab, indeed like a mob. "How long have you all been out there?" He looked them over carefully.

"This has to stop," Steve said without segue, giving him no answer.

"My holing up in a lab?" Bruce asked with a small, disbelieving laugh. "Wait, did Tony put you up to this? Is this his not-so-subtle tactic of telling me I'm not paying enough attention to him again?"

"First of all, how the hell would he be able to even think that?" Clint asked with raised eyebrows. "You two would figure out a way to conjoin yourselves at the hip if it wouldn't get in the way of fucking."

"Not fair," Bruce protested, even-toned. "We also spend a healthy amount of our physical intimacy just kissing and cuddling." There were several groans and Bruce had to admit Tony was rubbing off on him because he liked teasing them all, albeit more subtly.

"Second of all," Natasha took over, "this is about that idiot of yours pranking us every chance he gets. I nearly sprained my ankle yesterday."

"Aye," Thor chimed in. "He's becoming as bad as Loki to the point I fear my brother is somehow the cause of his behavior."

"Okay," Bruce blinked several times, "let's not get carried away. Sure, Tony's antics lack…"

"The word you're looking for is maturity," Pepper supplied.

"But he's far from being the god of mischief that tries to take over a planet." He gives Thor a sharp, dubious glance.

"Agreed," Steve interjected. "But it's still becoming a serious problem."

Bruce sighed. He knew they were right but… "What do you expect _me_ to do about it?" They all crossed their arms in sync, giving variations of incredulity, and he snorted in surprise. "What? I'm serious." He shook his head. "I'm Tony's boyfriend, not his babysitter." He considered that for a minute. "Well, not when it comes to this anyway," he corrected as he turned back toward his samples to at least put them up before they spoiled. "And you should know by now saying 'No, Tony' is about as effective as telling a cat to fetch, regardless of one's relationship with the man."

"So then put your foot down," Clint demanded. "Threaten to break up with him if—"

"Excuse me?" Bruce whipped back around quickly. "I'm not even remotely interested in breaking up with him over this so I'm not going to threaten him like I am. I like my boyfriend very much, thanks."

Natasha and Pepper looked at one another and then back. "Withhold," one said while the other said, "So you withhold."

Bruce's mouth fell open and he coughed on air. "That…" He cleared his throat and his cheeks burned. "I'm not withholding sex."

"God, you're just as insatiable as he is," Clint grumbled.

"Again," Bruce said firmly. "I'm not put out by his pranks so why would I…" _refuse to put out_ , the voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Tony finished the pun, but he ignored it, "deny myself something I enjoy?"

"You know, you're not really the altruistic saint Tony is always saying you are," Pepper accused.

"Never claimed to be," Bruce said with a shrug as he finally put away the alien spore samples.

"Look, Bruce, there's got to be something you can do," Steve appealed to him.

"The thing with Tony is you can't just tell him no," Bruce said, as he moved to a sink to wash his hands. "I know it's frustrating sometimes, but it's also a good trait. He's stubborn and determined. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be Iron Man."

"Please, spare us the sappy spiel about why you're hopelessly in love with him," Clint remarked.

Bruce froze. Then he recovered, drying his hands and turning back around. "The point is Tony has to come to his own conclusion that it's within his best interest not to do a thing or that doing said thing will bring him no pleasure whatsoever. So, as long as he takes pleasure in messing with you guys, he's not going to stop."

"Once on Asgard the Warriors Three and I attempted to put an end to Loki's mischief by turning the tables on him. It... did not go well," Thor said in a considering tone. "But perhaps it would work better in this situation."

"So we prank Tony?" Pepper interpreted in a skeptical tone. "Have you met him? JARVIS is probably relaying this whole conversation to him now as we speak."

"He's not," Bruce defended the AI, and Tony who wasn't a spy.

"Thank you, sir. So long as Mr. Stark would not be endangered by the prank, I would have no need to interfere."

"Okay, so what do we do?" Steve was the one to ask, surprisingly. When they all looked at him he shrugged. "I'm very tired and if this works, then we'll just call it team building."

Bruce snorted and moved back over to his workstation to jot down the observation he'd forgotten to earlier, snagging a pen on the way, while they all brainstormed behind him. Upon finishing he closed the notebook and shook his head.

"No," he said, "you're thinking all wrong." He turned back and looked at his teammates again. "You're thinking silly gags that will just egg Tony on more. You've got to make it big and," he weighed his head from side to side, "well, traumatizing enough to put him off of wanting to play with fire."

They all stared at him somewhat disbelieving. "Traumatizing?" Steve voiced his concern.

"Not anything that would harm him," Bruce warned quickly. "But it's got to be elaborate. You have to make sure he doesn't even realize it's a prank for a while. It's essentially going to take psychological warfare."

"Damn, doc," Clint muttered.

"I like the sound of this." Natasha's lips quirked upward and she glanced at Pepper.

"Me too," the CEO agreed with a sharp smile. "As much as I've put up with Tony over the years he deserves some just desserts." She looked at him. "What would you suggest."

"Honestly?" He wracked his brain. "Nothing that wouldn't be triggering or would break him, since I want to still be able to laugh about this when it's all said and done. But it still has to be something that would really get him worked up. God, I'm such a horrible boyfriend," he then said with a huff of laugh. "He hasn't done anything to me and here I am—"

"What do you mean he hasn't done anything to you?" Clint protested. "Who do you think's responsible for the Sherlock incident?"

Bruce's eyes widened. "DAMMIT, TONY," he yelled at the ceiling, knowing he couldn't hear but not caring, "FOR THE LAST TIME I DON'T WANT CUMBERBATCH'S COCK UP MY ASS!! Jealous bastard," he mumbled and paced.

"I'm not sure there's an appropriate response for this disturbing turn of events," Clint commented.

"Is this not one of those moments we would say 'that escalated quickly'?" Thor asked.

"Bruce?" Steve's tone was wary.

"Pepper," Bruce stopped pacing, "you've known him longest. What's something Tony's afraid of that doesn't involve any of his triggers?"

"Board meetings, but he always finds a way out of them." She shrugged.

"A condom breaking?" Natasha sniggered and Pepper and Clint joined her. Bruce's eyebrows shot up.

"Yeah," Clint agreed, "but that's never going to work now that he's exclusively with Bruce."

"Actually, it just might," Bruce thought out loud.

"Not sure that's how biology works, doc," Natasha said.

"Um, Bruce, what are you thinking?" Steve questioned.

Bruce slowly smiled as the gears turned inside his head.

"That is a look of mischief if ever I saw one," Thor stated ominously.

 

* * *

 

"Hey—" Tony came into the bathroom, but stopped abruptly when he realized Bruce had quickly thrown something away and was looking at him like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Babe? You okay?" he asked slowly.

"Uh," Bruce blinked a few times and then nodded, "yeah. Yeah, I think so. It's, you know, just the..."

Tony narrowed his eyes. "The upset stomach again?"

"Yeah," he answered with a sigh and moved to the sink to wash his hands.

"Well, if this virus is effecting you it'd probably do a number on me," Tony said, still suspicious. "Maybe you should sleep on the couch."

It was a joke of course, but Bruce looked up at him in the mirror with an expression that would make anyone think he'd just been told his dog had been run over. Then like Hyde back to Jekyll – or maybe it was Jekyll to Hyde? – Bruce's face became neutral then stern. "Okay."

"Hey, no, no," Tony turned him round into his arms before he could storm out of the bathroom. "I was seriously kidding. Why would you think I wasn't kidding? Worst case scenario, I get a sexy nurse to take care of me."

"You hate medical professionals."

"I meant _you_ ," Tony clarified, although Bruce was usually sharper than this. "Maybe you should go lie down or something."

"No, I'm fine," Bruce insisted. "Just, gonna go get some water and maybe visit with Natasha for a little bit."

"Okay..." Tony narrowed his eyes again. "Well, have fun. But first, did you just—" he nodded toward the toilet.

"Hmm? Oh, no, not this time. I—" Tony cut that thought off with a kiss.

When he pulled back, Bruce smiled and then hugged him tight. Tony hugged him back, naturally, but he still wasn't sure what exactly was going on. Bruce seemed a little all over the place. Maybe Hulk was pushing too hard on his nerves, or trying to get out because he wasn't feeling good? Was he thinking of taking off because of it?

Tony watched him go, his nerves and concern getting the better of him and making it so he just stood there for a long moment trying to process everything. Then his eyes darted toward the trash. He didn't want to be t _hat guy_...but who was he kidding, he was _that guy_ and Bruce probably already knew that. He was doing it out of genuine worry for him, he told himself, as he moved to the trash receptacle, nudged the release with his foot and glanced down into it.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he found inside. His eyes went wide, his stomach curdled and his hair stood on end. He was almost ninety-nine percent certain that he was looking at a pregnancy test.

"Why the hell would he have a pregnancy test? JARVIS..."

"Yes, sir?"

"Please tell me pregnancy tests are backwards and the plus sign means not pregnant." Tony let the lid close and spun around to look at nothing in particular for a moment before looking up into the mirror to gauge his physical expression.

"Sir, you do not really need me to answer this question, do you?"

Tony scowled at the AI's unwanted sass at the moment. "Kind of do, J. Because I can't think of any logical, any _possible_ , reason for Bruce to have thrown away a positive pregnancy test."

"Sir, a plus sign _is_ indicative of a potential pregnancy. Perhaps you should ask Dr. Banner about it. Biologically the test cannot be his personally—"

"But it can be Romanoff's." Tony put one and one together and instead of getting two, he just got seriously angry.

Angry enough to march out of the bathroom, out of the master suite, out of the apartment and then ride the elevator in stewing anger all the way down to Natasha's apartment. He pounded on the door and almost just opened it himself; maybe he'd catch them in the act if he did. Less than a minute later – which was still plenty of time to get decent if one tried hard enough, Tony was well aware – Natasha opened the door.

She narrowed one eyebrow and lifted the other. "Stark?"

"Congratulations," Tony spat through gritted teeth and pushed past her into the apartment.

"Thank you?" Natasha sounded confused, but Tony didn't care. His eyes lasered in on the man sitting innocently in an armchair and looking as confused as Natasha had sounded.

"Tony?" Bruce stood to his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Do you care?" Tony planted his feet and glared at him. Bruce's eyebrows shot up and his head jerked back on his shoulders. "You know, of all the people on this team I honestly never expected this from you."

"I..." He paled. "I can explain."

"Oh, the pregnancy test explained everything." He looked back and forth between them. "How long have you two been carrying on, huh? How long?"

"Carrying on?" Bruce furrowed his brow.

Suddenly Natasha started laughing and Tony threw his eyes in her direction like daggers, almost wishing they were. "Bruce and I are not carrying on," she said between laughs. "But you're cute when you're jealous. Bet you didn't think it was possible, did you?"

Tony's glare softened, but he was still dubious. "Really? So Bruce throws away a pregnancy test and starts acting weird and I'm supposed to believe it's _not_ because he realizes your guys' indiscretions have bit you in the ass? What other possible explanation could there be?" He turned back and looked at Bruce, his steam running out and turning to bitter betrayal. "How could you?"

"Tony," Bruce's voice cracked and he looked genuinely distraught. He closed the space in between them and Tony flinched when Bruce touched his arm. He pulled his hand back like he'd touched fire and looked stricken. Damn it, in spite of everything Tony felt horrible for causing that expression. "Tony, it's not what you think. I swear. God, I didn't cheat on you. I couldn't do that. You know I couldn't."

"I thought that," Tony replied with a bitter laugh. "But I don't know if I can believe you. Not with the evidence."

"Tony, please," Bruce begged.

"Oh hell, I'm not pregnant, Stark," Natasha said in firm exasperation. "No matter what you think to the contrary."

"Then who's the mother, huh?" Tony stepped back from Bruce, for multiple reasons, and turned back around to face her. "What, are you going to say it's Pepper? Maybe it's some random person I don't know?"

"Maybe it's him." She crossed her arms and Tony suddenly wondered if this was a dream.

"Okay, what?"

"Maybe Bruce is the mother," Natasha repeated, not even batting an eye over the ludicrous claim.

"Am I hallucinating? Did I get stoned off my rocker?"

"Tony, I think we need to talk," Bruce said with a sigh. Tony turned to see him sit down on the couch. He glanced at Natasha beyond him. "The team—"

"Has known for a couple of days about his suspicions," Natasha interjected. Bruce gave her a sharp look and Tony glanced back and forth between them. "The other guys and I were concerned and cornered him in his lab."

"Concerned about his stomach bug?" Tony asked with a hard swallow. "You..." He looked at Bruce. "You seriously thought your stomach bug could be that? But, you're a scientist. Not some bizarre fanfiction writer."

Bruce glanced at him then at Natasha then down at his folded hands. Then he took a deep breath in and said, "Under normal circumstances, yeah, I wouldn't have questioned it. But, Tony, think back to almost seven weeks ago. You—I... Uh, we..."

"You're not seriously talking about us barebacking."

"Um."

"That seems unsafe."

Tony ignored Natasha and barreled on. "That doesn't magically change biology, Bruce."

"No, no it doesn't," Bruce agreed, nodding haphazardly. "But contact with alien spores might."

"Wait, what?"

"The alien spores. I was studying them around the same time and shortly before that... I, I may have come in contact with them." Tony's eyes widened. "I didn't think anything of it. I followed the biohazard routine and I figured my irradiated blood would handle the rest."

"Was that when you said you had the spill in the lab and didn't want to be around me for a couple of days?" Bruce nodded. "Damn it, Bruce you should have told me! I could have helped you figure out what was going on."

"And risk contamination? No way," Bruce argued back. "I monitored everything. It seemed fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I started feeling sick. Obviously, I thought maybe it was the spores since I hadn't been sick in so long. But none of my tests showed anything wrong. Except for a sudden increase in my hCG levels. That only left two possibilities that I can think of, Tony. Cancer or pregnancy."

"And there's no way cancer could actually survive in your body," Tony reasoned.

"I'm still waiting for the confirmation of that. I got some lab work done with SHIELD," he explained. "But Thor doesn't seem to think it's impossible. He said several alien species have male-carriers. Maybe, maybe those spores did something. Or maybe they mixed with the irradiated blood somehow and... I don't know made it happen. Tony," he sounded a little frantic, "in light of the evidence I can't rule out the possibility that.." He sighed. "That I'm either pregnant with some alien baby or tumor or something. Or... I'm pregnant with your child."

"It could be both," Natasha said after a beat of silence. They both looked at her. "What? I mean maybe the alien spores were meant to implant him with eggs and you just came along and fertilized them. He could just be the unexpecting surrogate."

Suddenly Bruce seemed to choke on a sob and Tony looked at him. His face was in his hands and his body seemed wracked with more quiet sobs. Tony was beside him on the couch immediately.

"I'm so sorry you..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry you thought I was... I wouldn't... I should have told you sooner. I just didn't know how."

"Hey, shh," Tony soothed, "we don't know what this really is yet. It could be nothing. But whatever it is we'll get through it, okay? I'm... I'm scared to death; I won't lie to you. But I'm not going anywhere."

 

* * *

 

"Okay," Tony pecked Bruce on the lips, "I've got a meeting, but when I get back I've got a very special surprise for you." He looked at the others gathered in the common room. "And you're all invited."

"We're not interested in being party to your voyeurism," Clint said and Bruce shook his head at him.

"Stop trying to be a comedian," Tony countered. Then he glanced at Bruce with a look that told him nothing good was going to follow. "That reminds me, have you reached the horny stage yet? Please tell me we've reached that stage."

Bruce blinked. He honestly wasn't too aware of the stages of pregnancy. Was horniness even a stage? That sounded like a myth, or Tony's wishful thinking.

"Stop stalling and get to your meeting," Bruce deflected. Tony gave a put-upon sigh, but then gave him another peck on his lips and left.

"Oh what a tangled web," Clint drawled after a few moments of silence, that silence filled with four pairs of eyes looking at Bruce expectantly.

"It's such a mess," Bruce groaned. He should have ended the charade weeks ago.

"What happened, Doc?" Natasha asked. "You should have told him right after you told him the SHIELD doctor confirmed it."

"I know…" Bruce nodded. "And that was the plan. He legitimately freaked out like we wanted him too. And then… he took off in his suit. I thought about telling JARVIS to tell him, but that seemed… wrong. But when he got back it was like… he'd already cycled through the freak out and was _happy_."

"He _has_ seemed very happy," Thor concurred.

"I wasn't expecting that. I… I didn't know what to do with it."

"So you did nothing," Natasha said with a judgmental shake of her head.

Bruce groaned again. "I'm a coward, okay? I've been trying to tell him, but now I'm just… I'm scared that he's legitimately excited about this and that…"

"You'll lose him?" Steve filled in the blanks in a gentle tone.

Bruce nodded "That's exactly what I didn't want to happen and here I am. Maybe I should just run."

"If you do that and he really thinks you're pregnant, that's just going to make it messier," Clint said.

"I guess the only decent solution here is for the rest of us to come clean for you," Steve said.

"What?" Clint retorted. "Why would we do that?"

"Because we pressured him into this in the first place. And you egged him on by mentioning the incident," Steve challenged. "If we hadn't come to him to help us deal with Tony none of this would have happened." Steve looked at him then. "Are you okay with that solution, Bruce?"

"Yeah, I mean. We can't sugar coat it. I messed up and I'll still need to apologize, but… yes, thank you."

With any luck Tony wouldn't break up with him.

 

* * *

 

Tony smiled wide, more than pleased by the slack-jawed expression on his teammates faces as they took in the surprise for Bruce. As for Bruce, Tony could practically feel him growing impatient from where his arm was around the other man's shoulders.

"Nobody's saying anything," Bruce said in a worried tone. "That's… not at all assuring. Can I open my eyes yet? Because you know I already don't like surprises and I'm starting to get nervous."

Tony chuckled and gave him a small squeeze before letting go and saying, "Go ahead."

"Oh." Tony smiled even wider as he saw Bruce's stunned glance around the room. "Oh my god." He looked at Tony in disbelief and then around again. "A… A nursery? But when? How…"

"I didn't have a meeting," Tony answered. "I've been up here with some designers the past few hours. By the way, mind the paint everybody."

Bruce shook his head and looked around yet again. "Oh my god."

"You don't like it?" Bruce blinked at him. "You hate it. I knew it. I knew I was being dumb. We should have done this together. I just—"

"You idiot," Bruce breathed, shaking his head and then pulled him into a fierce, sloppy kiss that left Tony a little breathless. "It's not that," he said when they broke apart, leaning his forehead against his. "It's… It's amazing." He pulled away to search Tony's eyes. " _You're_ amazing. And I'm just…"

"Also amazing?" Tony supplied.

"I—" Bruce's breath hitched and Tony swallowed the rest in another kiss. He never passed up an opportunity to show Bruce just how amazing he thought he was.

They kissed for a long heated moment and Tony was pretty sure they were about to take it a little bit further when there was a clearing of a throat and Bruce startled back, breaking the kiss. Tony sighed, but it was just as well since there really wasn’t time for that just yet. He glanced at the team to see them studying them intently. They all wore somewhat disapproving expressions.

"Tony," Steve stepped forward, Captain mode activated given his tone and posture, "we need to talk."

"I'd love to, Cap," Tony lied, "but it's going to have to wait."

"I…" Steve glanced at Bruce and then back. "I don't think it can. Sorry."

"Well, sorry that you're sorry, but the rest of my surprise for Bruce can't wait either. And, nope, none of you are invited to this one."

"Tony…" Bruce tried instead. "Maybe you should talk to Steve. I'm sure whatever it is can wait."

Tony tilted his head and twisted his face. "Actually, it can't." He straightened it again. "I got us a pretty exclusive dinner reservation at nine."

Naturally, Bruce furrowed his brow. "It's 1:30," he pointed out.

"In Malibu," Tony finished. "Jet's scheduled to leave in about forty minutes. So, really, no time for a heart to heart with Captain America."

"In… Malibu?" Bruce didn't say anything for a few moments. Then he glanced at Steve, the other Avengers, and finally back to Tony. "Okay."

"Bruce," Steve started, but didn't go any further when Bruce looked at him.

"I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait until we get back, right?" Bruce asked.

Steve glanced around at all of them before sighing. "I'm not sure it can, but I guess it will."

 

* * *

 

Bruce watched with growing trepidation as Tony poured a drink into their champagne glasses. As it had turned out, the exclusive dinner reservation had been for a professionally prepared candlelight dinner at Tony's Malibu mansion. Which was romantic. And made him feel even guiltier for the subterfuge.

"Don't worry. It's just sparkling water," Tony said as he set the bottle aside and handed one of the chutes to Bruce. He then moved towards the large window near the bar that overlooked the ocean. Bruce followed and stood beside him. "Wouldn't want you drinking anything that might hurt the baby."

Oh god he was a horrible human being. Because he just gave a small nod and went to take a drink. Before he could though Tony held out his own as if to make a toast and Bruce paused, furrowed his brow, and moved his glass back towards Tony's until they rested together.

The water wasn't the only thing that was sparkling. Tony's eyes were too as he ran them over Bruce's face. "To the future,"

"Whatever it brings," Bruce offered and let their glass clink together before downing the fizzy water. No sooner was the drink down, so was Tony. Oh _god._ Tony was on one knee. This… This wasn't happening. "Oh no. No, no, no. Get up. Don't—" His eyes widened impossibly further as Tony pulled out a ring.

"I won't," Tony stated calmly. "I can't get up, Bruce. Not until I get this out." Bruce swallowed hard. "I know our lives are a mess. I know it's foolish and a gamble to even consider it. I know neither one of us counted on this. But I love you and I want to be your husband if you'll give me that honor. Will you marry me?"

Bruce wasn't sure what to think. How… How did it come to this? Was…? Was Tony just asking him to marry him because he thought they were going to have a kid? This had gone too far. God, of course he wouldn't mind marrying Tony as truly foolish as that _would_ be, but not like this. Not under false pretenses.

"Tony, you need to know something. Something that might make you change your mind about this. Something that… that might make you change your mind about me."

"I doubt that," Tony said calmly, and slowly stood back to his feet.

Tony's eyes were so very warm on his and Bruce almost wanted to curse evolutionary biology because if he was pregnant right now or could just get pregnant everything would be okay… and, okay, maybe Bruce was starting to lose his mind just a little in the tangled web. He needed to just blurt it out—

"Tony, I'm not pregnant." Bruce blinked when he realized Tony had said something at the same time. "Wait, what?"

"I said you're not pregnant," Tony said with a smile. That smile. That damn impish smile that crinkled his eyes with humor and…

"You knew!" Bruce practically shrieked, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "You knew this whole time? You've just been pretending?"

Tony was laughing now, hysterically and damn it Bruce wasn't sure he was exactly happy with being strung along by Tony as he… attempted to string Tony along. So, okay, maybe he had that coming and he could find the humor in the irony.

"No. Not the whole time," Tony said around a few leftover snickers as he tried to regain his composure. He shook his head. "You seriously, one hundred percent had me there at the beginning. The alien spores? Brilliant."

"Then how'd you figure it out?" Bruce eyed him skeptically. "Did you overhear us? I know JARVIS said he wouldn't tell you unless—"

"Wasn't JARVIS," Tony confirmed. "Not entirely. Let's just say the day you went to get your," he air-quoted, "'confirmation' result and wouldn't let me go with you for support, I decided that I needed to really prepare myself for the possibility we were going to have a potential alien kid—"

"Okay, for the record you're crazy if you think I wouldn't have at least considered an abortion if we found out it was an _actual alien_ growing in my body. And _you_ needed to prepare? If it had been real _I_ would have been the one having to deal with everything." Bruce wasn't sure why he was arguing about this, but it felt necessary to point out. In solidarity of women's reproductive rights and all that.

"Yeah, okay, point is I decided to read something and JARVIS suggested _What to Expect When You're Expecting_ and it was very enlightening." Bruce raised an eyebrow. "Either you were growing our alien baby awful fast or else you were lying because you were demonstrating pregnancy symptoms you shouldn't be having already."

Bruce's eyes widened. "Damn it. Proof research is always a crucial first step, kids," he said with a laugh. "I can't believe you knew. You asshole," he said without heat. "You let me believe you were over the moon excited. I've… I've been sitting here freaking out about how to tell you. I thought you were trying to legitimize our baby!" He started laughing when he realized how clever that was and Tony laughed too.

"Well you were the one who was letting me think we'd defied the laws of biology just because of the Sherlock incident."

Bruce stopped laughing and looked at him in confusion. "How did you know that's why I did it?"

"That's where JARVIS came in. I asked him if there was any possible explanation for why you might be cycling through the stages of pregnancy symptoms so quickly and his response was… JARVIS?"

"Perhaps he had Cumberbatch's cock up his ass."

Bruce was sure his eyes couldn't get any wider and his hand flew up to his mouth, laughter spilling out through the cracks of his fingers. " _JARVIS!?_ "

"Ladies and gentlemen," Tony said with a sharp grin, "the real troll."

"Apparently so. Oh my god." Bruce sighed deeply. "Well, at least we're both even I guess. Ignoring the Sherlock incident," he added with a playful glare.

"But not quite finished," Tony said. "I believe there's still a question on the table."

Bruce scrunched up his face. "There is?" He saw Tony reach into his pocket and his eyes widened when Tony produced the ring again. He met Tony's gaze questioningly, especially when all of Tony's previous humor was gone again and he seemed dead serious. "Tony?"

"Like I said, Bruce. It's foolish and a gamble, but I'm in love with you and would love to spend the rest of my life being absolutely ridiculous with you." Bruce couldn't fight a smile at Tony's humor and he ducked his head, before darting his eyes back up to Tony's face. "In fact, this whole crazy stunt just made me realize I'd be even more foolish if I ever let you get away without at least letting you know how I really feel. So, if you don't mind that it took a fake alien baby prank to make me get with the program, and if you can forgive me for the Sherlock incident – and I am sorry about that – what do say to getting married?"

Bruce straightened his head and studied Tony's face for any hesitance in the question, but found none. His heart pounded his ear and he knew it was love, not fear, that caused it. "I say," he spoke slowly and deliberately, voice low and passive-aggressive, "if this turns out to be another prank you'll fucking _wish_ I was the Hulk, because you have no idea what Bruce Banner is capable of."

Tony smiled and it was all teeth and blinding, not even remotely phased. "I'll take that as a yes," he said and pulled him into a bruising kiss.

Yes, as bizarre and unexpected as it had come about, it was definitely a yes.

When they pulled away, breathless, Bruce smiled slowly. "You know, the team will never believe any of this."

Tony's eyebrows rose slowly along with the corners of his mouth. "I fucking love you," was Tony's eager reply before their lips melded together again.

They'd figure out the details of the prank later. Oh, yes. Much, _much_ later.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. The Sherlock Incident was intentionally left unexplained. I thought about it, but then was like nah. But it was bad.  
> 2\. And of course Tony is jealous of Benedict because of RDJ!Sherlock and I guess now everyone's saying Dr. Strange acts too much like Tony so ~~time is relative and quantum physics and everybody is cats.~~  
>  3\. I once told myself I would never write mpreg, even jokingly, and yet here I am. ~~(and there's more legit mpreg where that came from folks)~~ Is 2016 even real?  
>  4\. fucking trolls tho. The team is in trouble now that Bruce has gone over to the dark side. (and like now they have a kick ass nursery ready for when they actually have kids I guess, good job Tony.)  
> 5\. SURPRISE PROPOSAL! Because by time I was done with this fic I really, really just needed to be damn happy okay.


End file.
